Being a writer I have ample experience in receiving the dreaded “form rejection.” They used to come in letters, but now they come in emails.
Typically they don’t refer to me by name, or my manuscript by title, or maybe they do, but only because they’ve inserted it.
The body of the missile is a locked and loaded rejection that shows no indication that the person signing the letter has read my story or knows that I have a name.
Perhaps they are sent by algorithms.
Thank you …blah-blah blah-blah, but no thank you blah-blah blah-blah.
I don’t want to sound like a sour orangutan looking for a banana, but I think they (i.e., The Royal They) could do better. After all, rejection is not a new thing.
“It’s not you. It’s me,” would even sound better.
Why has someone not created better letters?
I’m thinking I should offer myself as a rejection writing consultant. I would call my business:
Fuck Off, Get Lost, Slam the Door, Yeah-No, Not Now, Not Ever.
Hmm. I need to work on the name.
But I have the main idea. I will create three form emails to increase the likelihood that something said in the letter actually makes sense to the reader, connects to them in some way and perhaps even– and here’s a new idea–helps them. I will revolutionize rejection communication.
Email one star (for the really poorly written stories)
Dear (insert real name) have you considered taking a job with the telephone company?(supply a website url) I wish you a happy and healthy future. Sincerely Evil Editor
Email two stars (for the okay story that’s so okay you snore)
Dear (insert real name) have you drank enough caffeine today? I recommend you down a bit more, say a swimming pool full of it, before your resubmit. Happy drinking. Sincerely, your mentor Evil Editor
Email three stars (for the good story that you’ve been told not to accept)
Dear (insert real name) take two pain killers and a glass of wine and resubmit elsewhere. We have enough (sexy vampires, bdmsers with an inferiority complex, billionairs with a weakness for chubby women, mobsters from the underworld, aliens with two dicks – fill in the blank) this year and cannot accept your manuscript. Your secret fan, Evil Editor.
Along with the email attach a dancing monkey gif. Everyone likes a dancing monkey. Remember to dd a footnote that the monkey has not been mistreated in any way.
My apologies if I’ve offended anyone, human or alien. I needed to rant:)