I’m excited to get on with life. Being stuck in “wait” mode sucks. I’ve become a beeping red light counting down to… God only knows what. Waiting for surgery, you think will happen in a week or two at the most but gets scheduled for a month after that, is a nightmare. But heh, it’s only cancer…
I, being the uh-mature adult I am, binged on everything I could get my hands on: ridiculously expensive and high calorie, cherry, chocolate chip, Hagan Daas gelato until my lips burned from the artificial flavoring, diet pop until I couldn’t contain the gas, popcorn until kernels lodged between each one of my teeth and my breath smelled like an old movie theater, TV shows (fell in love with the Scott and Bailey series) and Harlan Coban and Joseph Finder books on audio tapes, (also enjoyed Nora).
… and then there was retail therapy.
We bought a TV for the bedroom. I’ve always said I’d never have a TV in my bedroom. Well, all the “nevers” died with the last diagnosis, so we went shopping. I’m loving the TV. Watching Netflix is on my list of what-to-do in the middle of the night when sane people sleep.
I tried increasing my exercise and got cold symptoms. A score of cold sores along my top lip hurt like hell.
I tried this, I tried that… I made it through the time.
And yes… of course I did all the good things too: regular meditation, yoga, praying and mindful thinking. I had a counselor the last time I dealt with cancer, so I’ve gone through some of the stuff we did together. Reviewing my life as if I’m standing at a gate on top of a hill, looking backward… looking forward. Gratitude. Yeah, I’ve done all of that too. And I am so very grateful for my family and friends. I know I am blessed.
But I’m also pissed. Sorry.
Yes, the wait has been horrendous. I wonder how many others are out there waiting. I tell myself to trust our medical system, but I don’t feel like trusting anything or anyone right now. Trust went out the window with “nevers” and being given medication that led to more cancer.
I promised myself I wouldn’t reduce my blog to a dumping ground for whines and growls, but here I am. I really need to get rid of “nevers.”
So… what the hell am I doing? I write this post to reconnect with my readers. I’m a week away from surgery now, and intend to be back talking about writing soon. This may not be a cheery post, but it’s real.
Love to all.