Cancer

The Waiting is Almost Over – Checking in

I’m excited to get on with life. Being stuck in “wait” mode sucks. I’ve become a beeping red light counting down to… God only knows what. Waiting for surgery, you think will happen in a week or two at the most but gets scheduled for a month after that, is a nightmare. But heh, it’s only cancer…

I, being the uh-mature adult I am, binged on everything I could get my hands on: ridiculously expensive and high calorie, cherry, chocolate chip, Hagan Daas gelato until my lips burned from the artificial flavoring, diet pop until I couldn’t contain the gas, popcorn until kernels lodged between each one of my teeth and my breath smelled like an old movie theater, TV shows (fell in love with the Scott and Bailey series) and Harlan Coban and Joseph Finder books on audio tapes, (also enjoyed Nora).

… and then there was retail therapy.

We bought a TV for the bedroom. I’ve always said I’d never have a TV in my bedroom. Well, all the “nevers” died with the last diagnosis, so we went shopping. I’m loving the TV. Watching Netflix is on my list of what-to-do in the middle of the night when sane people sleep.

I tried increasing my exercise and got cold symptoms. A score of  cold sores along my top lip hurt like hell.

I tried this, I tried that… I made it through the time.

And yes… of course I did all the good things too: regular meditation, yoga, praying and mindful thinking. I had a counselor the last time I dealt with cancer, so I’ve gone through some of the stuff we did together. Reviewing my life as if I’m standing at a gate on top of a hill, looking backward… looking forward. Gratitude. Yeah, I’ve done all of that too. And I am so very grateful for my family and friends. I know I am blessed.

But I’m also pissed. Sorry.

Yes, the wait has been horrendous. I wonder how many others are out there waiting. I tell myself to trust our medical system, but I don’t feel like trusting anything or anyone right now. Trust went out the window with “nevers” and being given medication that led to more cancer.

I promised myself I wouldn’t reduce my blog to a dumping ground for whines and growls, but here I am. I really need to get rid of “nevers.”

So… what the hell am I doing? I write this post to reconnect with my readers. I’m a week away from surgery now, and intend to be back talking about writing soon. This may not be a cheery post, but it’s real.

Love to all.

Jo-Ann

How about you? Do you have any favorite “waiting” activities? Secret binges?   

18 thoughts on “The Waiting is Almost Over – Checking in

  1. My secret binges are usually salty ones: a whole can of anchovies (I adore them!) or a whole bag of honey Dijon or maple bacon chips. But I’m also an ice cream addict: Hagan Daas’ caramel or lemon are my favorites. Then to help the waiting I journal a lot. It helps me get the mad hamster-on-a-treadmill thoughts out of my mind and onto paper. I started to do this years ago to get over boyfriends who dumped me. Now I do it when I’m stressing out over my grand daughter’s escapades.
    What you are dealing with is so much more than a collision course romance. My heart goes out to you. Give yourself full permission to whine or growl. After all isn’t a blog very similar to a journaling?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Helena
      I think worrying about your granddaughter trumps me worrying about myself. I hope that all works out well for her.
      We’ll have to try the HD caramel together. It sounds good.
      I kept a journal during my first adventure with cancer, and had a cancer blog. I so don’t want to have to do that again. The pain I poured into those pages is still fresh in my heart. I’m hoping this will be all be over so quickly, I won’t have to start another chapter in that book.
      But I may, yet.
      Anchovies? Amazing. And honey dijon chips? How exotic. The things I didn’t know about you.
      Thanks for stopping by and chatting.
      Hugs
      Jo-Ann

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  2. Jo-Ann. I’m glad for the update, but hate, hate, that you’ve been left hanging in limbo. I’ve only had a couple of small scares where I had to wait over a weekend or a week. But never what you’re going through. It’s okay to rant and rave a bit–even more than a bit. That’s what you’re feeling. And your feelings are always okay. They’re real. What you’re doing is much better than stuffing those feelings inside where they can roll around and make you stark staring nuts!
    So you put on a few pounds. If you have to go through chemo, (which I hope you can avoid) you’re in better shape to tolerate the therapy.
    Glad you have the new TV and Netflix. You can watch Longmire when the series gets going again.
    And, sweetie, anyone who can write like you do will be around a long time. Your paragraph listing out what your “mature” person did is bang on beautiful!
    Know that prayers surround you, lifting you up for God’s healing and strength.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Jo-Ann, so glad you to hear from you. I enjoy your pictures on FB, we live in a truly beautiful part of the world. Your other half seems to be behind you one hundred and ten percent, I’m glad. Does he enjoy the same shows as you? My DH drives me crazy channel-surfing, hide the remote, lol. I’m happy to be your outlet any time you need to vent, just call or e-mail me okay, seriously.
    Take care and know we’re thinking often of you,
    Jacquie

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  4. Oh Jo-Ann

    I know so much of what you’re going through although not the chemo or surgery. Waiting sucks.

    I binge on chocolates, big surprise. And bread, I love bread hot from the oven and slathered with butter. And ice-cream. Next time you’re in Victoria I’ll take you for gelato at the Italian Bakery. It’s way less fat and lower calories than ice-cream but you won’t taste that. What you’ll taste is Italy.

    It’s good to look back at your life and realize how much you have to be grateful for. Gratitude is wonderful. Along with yoga and meditation. But I still wake up in the middle of the night and my mind is creating horror movies, scarier than any drive-in horror flick I’ve ever seen. I’m glad you have Pete there to share it. Smart man, he realizes how lucky he is to have you to share his life with.

    I already have the 50″ flat screen for the bedroom and loads of pillows. It’s perfect for a Netflix binge (maybe Hell on wheels) and also travel CDS. Short of actually being there in Italy or France or it’s probably as close as you’re going to get.

    Which is good because it’ll inspire you to dream up more adventures for Sophia and I’m looking forward to reading them. And plan for future travels.

    Hugs

    Pat

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi Jo-Ann,
    Your blog is great just the way it is, and more real and down to earth than many I’ve read. You’re a brave woman and that shows in every line. Looking back is great and looking forward is even healthier, and yet we are stuck with now. Live it up. Ice cream sounds perfect. Know we are thinking of you and praying for you. It’s so good to hear from you,
    Sylvia

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Jo-Ann your blog is you, so go for it anyway that works. I love reading what you write and you do write so wonderfully. The reader can feel and experience deep empathy with you.

    Like

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